Despite my disdain for following trends I still wanted to take a moment to reflect on this year and look forward to the next year.  2012 was a good year for me and I'm grateful for experiencing it.  I'm hopeful about 2013 and waiting expectantly for some major changes in the summer.  Not sure how they will effect my life but I am excited to see what they bring.

Reasons why 2012 was awesome:
Came even closer to reaching my weight goal.  Am currently within 10 pounds of it!
Ate even healthier.  Have incorporated more fruits and vegetables into my diet
Spent a lot of quality time with the people I love most in the world, my boyfriend, my best friend, and my family.
Continued to love my job despite all of its attending stresses
Saw an old friend I hadn't seen in four years
Continued to exercise regularly and reap the benefits of that
Spent two days in Washington D.C. with the boy
Spent a week in New Hampshire with the family
Went to an amazing three day conference in Boston on everyday life in the Soviet Union.  By day I learned an incredible amount and by night I did fun things with the boy.  It was nice to have a companion with whom to share weird facts

I'm sure there's more but I think that's a good enough list.  Now for my goals for the new calendar year.

Reach my goal weight and then evaluate what is a good weight for me to maintain
Continue to exercise 5 times a week
Challenge myself by trying new activities.  I have a tendency to get stuck in a rut and close myself to different experiences
Eat less processed foods.  I worked a little on this but I want to get better
Be more positive!
Work on my road rage
Appreciate my everyday life.  I am so fortunate but I often overlook this.
Don't be afraid to ask for help.  I tend to let myself get overwhelmed but I can approach others for ideas and suggestions.
Be kind to myself.  In terms of my weight loss journey I have been very hard on myself, especially recently.  I need to remember where I've come from and just focus on moving forward.

I think that's enough for now.  I have several things I'm feeling guilty about that I'm going to try and let go in the spirit of being kind to myself.  Fresh start.

Right now..

I'm enjoying my random day off in the middle of the week.  I feel slightly guilty because I haven't done anything special except make a batch of pumpkin spiced oatmeal cookies...which taste delicious!  Other than that I've done some grading and have America's Next Top Model on in the background.  But I'm trying to just enjoy this opportunity to relax and drink too much tea.  Yesterday I had class and didn't get home until 10:30 (after leaving at 6 am) so it is nice to enjoy having nothing to do today.  I'm looking forward to this weekend as well as I have no major plans aside from hanging out with my best friend Sunday and possibly some sister time on Saturday.

I'm pretty excited about my research paper topic for my grad class.  I'm going to be writing a paper on the role of orthodox Judaism in Israel's government for the past 15-20 years.  It's an interesting issue and the professor responded very positively to my topic.  If I have to write a 20 page paper at least I'll be interested in my topic!  Speaking of long papers, I had a 10-15 page report due yesterday and after speaking to my classmates I think I may have taken it way too seriously.  Its good to remember next time I have a complete anxiety attack before the second report is due. 

Work is stressful but good.  I had some nice moments and also some ridiculous ones but that's normal.  I'm trying to cut myself some slack and not be so hard on myself.

Weight wise things are still going well.  I've been working out about 3 times a week.  I'm still feeling some knee pain on and off so I think I'm going to keep it at about 3 times a week for the moment and see how I feel.  But every time I have worked out I have walked out of there feeling amazing.  It is such a good stress relief and leaves me with all of these positive feelings.  I love it.  However, I feel like I've been overeating and eating crap lately so I'm trying to work on that.  Obviously making cookies is not helpful but this past weekend I had some greasy, fatty food so I'm going to try to avoid that this weekend.  Of course this is the week before my period and I am always ravenous this week.  Stupid cycle.

Things I'm loving lately
The weather!  I love cuddling up on the couch with my fleece and sweatpants and a mug of hot tea.  It feels amazing.  I still need to buy more winter clothes but that's a fun problem to solve.

Having one paper handed in for my grad class.  The relief I feel is huge.  I'm just really grateful it was due before today so I could truly enjoy and relax today

Making a new recipe.  I love cooking and baking especially when it comes out delicious!

Two days until the weekend.  Having this day off has really made this week go by much faster.  I'm very lucky for my work schedule this September. 

Zumba class tonight!  I love the 6pm class even if it does mean I don't eat dinner until 8 (and try to go bed by 10!)  There's always so much energy and I leave feeling awesome.

Pictures that bring me happiness

Crazy Vladimir Putin.  While I seriously worry about the direction Russia is headed in sometimes I am also delighted by your crazy publicity stunts.  Seriously, watch him singing Blueberry Hill.  It's nuts.



Cheburashka!  He's so cute.  And the episode that's concerned about the environment is delightful.  Also the birthday song is so melancholy.



This poster makes me so happy.  I love being a nerd and I love the joy it brings me.


 
Someday I will tour all of those amazing Eastern European countries and it will be amazing.

What a week.  It was a relief this morning to get up, snuggle with a blanket and a cup of chai tea and re-read The Perks of Being a Wallflower.  I'm very excited for the movie and since I haven't read the book in several years thought it would be the perfect way to spend this beautiful Sunday morning.  This afternoon I have to go to my grandmother's house to celebrate my mother's birthday.  The food should be delicious and as long as we avoid the subject of politics it should be a lovely afternoon.

Had a mini panic attack about money this morning as well but I'm trying to keep that under control and focus on the positive.  Sometimes it's frustrating to be at this stage in my life and still living paycheck to paycheck but I know things could be far worse.  And it definitely won't always be like this.  Less than a year left and then things should start to improve.  I'm just trying to focus on the positive.

I went to Zumba yesterday morning and while I had a few twinges of pain in my right knee overall I felt really good.  It felt great to exercise and the rest of the day I felt amazing.  All of the stress I've been feeling just disappeared.  It came back this morning but at least yesterday I was just able to enjoy the day.  I have tomorrow off (thanks Rosh Hoshana!) and I'm going to exercise again and see how it feels.  Luckily I didn't gain any weight these past two weeks but I can definitely feel the effects of stress and I want to continue to make sure I'm dealing with that in a healthy way.  Besides, I forgot how much fun I have at Zumba class.  There's so much energy and it just feels great to push myself and have my body respond so positively.  It makes me feel proud of myself.

I had an interesting conversation with Jake about my weight loss.   I was explaining how this is the lowest I've weighed probably since high school and yet I still feel fat and he reminded me that even when I hit my goal weight (9 pounds away) that's not going to change the way I feel.  And that's something I'm going to need to deal with somehow.  My sister who is in such great shape and looks amazing is really hard on herself and keeps wanting to lose more weight.  I had promised myself, and Jake, when I started this journey that I would be satisfied once I hit goal.  The way I treat myself seems to prove otherwise.  I need to work on being grateful for where I am right now and appreciative of what I have accomplished.  Once I hit my goal weight I don't want to feel like I need to lose more weight, I want to be satisfied.  I am never going to be a twig, I don't have the body type for that and nor do I think that will make me feel better.  I just want to be healthy.  And I think I've already achieved that.  I just need to work on changing my mindset.  That's going to take some time but I'm trying to remember that.  I've come so far and sometimes I feel like I'm a lot harder on myself than I was 40 pounds ago.  That doesn't make any sense.

One more time-things I'm grateful for right at this moment:
The beautiful September day.  I love that the weather is changing and soon I can wear sweaters and such.  Also grateful for the all of the opportunities to drink more tea.  When it's really hot I just can't bear to drink hot beverages very often despite the fact that I love them so I'm glad the weather is more conducive to drinking hot tea and coffee now.

Fall!  It's one of my favorite seasons.  I love when the leaves change colors.

This three day weekend.  It was a long week at work and I'm grateful for the extra day off.  I'm also grateful to get Yom Kippur off on the 26th.  Random days off are always appreciated.

To see my sisters!  I haven't seen them in two weeks and I miss them.  I get to see them today and tomorrow and that makes me very happy.

Being able to exercise again.  I had forgotten just how big a stress release it is and it's nice to be reminded again of why I started exercising in the first place.  It wasn't about losing weight, it was about relieving some of the stress and pressure I feel.

Enjoy the lovely day!

Oh the places I'd love to go

Flooded bell tower on the Volga River



Church in Omsk Russia.

I am not a religious person but there is something about the architecture of the Russian Orthodox Churches that I just find breath taking and awe-inspiring.  Being inside them is even more incredible as they are elaborately decorated.  I just want to go back to Russia and spend more time visiting churches. 

Random Thoughts

So I've been forced to take some time off from working out due to troubles with the knee again.  I hate this for several reasons.  Firstly, I've already paid for this session so I am losing money by not working out.  I am a huge cheapskate.  Secondly, I find working out to be a great stress relief and this has been a very stressful week.  Thirdly, I think I have become obsessive about my weight and so trying to keep a normal attitude about what I've been eating this week has been a bit of a challenge.  Fourthly, I haven't worked out for the past four days (today is day 5) and my knee is still giving me twinges.  I think that means I may actually have to take the full 2 weeks off.

Now none of this is terribly important or life altering but it is very upsetting to me.  A year ago, I began losing weight.  It wasn't planned.  I had started exercising off and on in March of 2011 to help with the stress and I started to see a tiny bit of weight loss.  Over that summer I started to do the Zumba DVDs and saw a tiny bit more of weight loss.  Then in September I started going to real classes which were a lot more fun than the DVDs and I've been hooked ever since.  I also started making small changes to my diet which have gradually become major life changes.  By March of 2012 I had lost 40 pounds.  At this point I have lost over 60 pounds and am currently 10 pounds away from being in a "normal range" for my BMI.  I feel amazing and for the first time in years did not despise the incredibly hot summer.  It turns out that carrying an extra 60 pounds really makes you feel the summer heat. 

I've tried really hard to cultivate a normal attitude towards food.  I try not to deprive myself but also recognize that I am a stress eater.  When I get stressed out, I turn to food.  This week I started my grad class, found out I have two cavities, and then proceeded to crash my car on my way to work.  However, I stepped on the scale this morning to find that I had lost 2 pounds.  I know this should excite me and prove that I managed to do okay with my eating without exercising but instead I'm just nervous.  It's just because it's that time in my cycle I think.  Don't get content.  You have to keep working at it.  I guess I'm also upset because this is the last I've weighed in a really long time and yet I still feel fat sometimes even though I know I'm not.  I know I look so much healthier and I just wish that I would stop being so hard on myself all the time.  But I'm also worried that if I stop being hard on myself I'll revert back to those bad habits I've tried so desperately hard to change.

I made these changes to become healthier.  I didn't like how I handled stress.  I hated taking it out on the person I love more than anything in this world and that's why I decided to start exercising.  Zumba makes me feel good about myself and gives me such an incredible high.  I'm incredibly worried about my knee and am hoping that by depriving myself for these two weeks I am protecting my knee from lasting damage.  And people have suggested switching to a different type of exercise but Zumba is the one form of exercise that I've tried where I look forward to doing it.  I'm excited to go to class for this.  I've tried using the stationary bike which I find unbearably boring.  I've gone with my sister to a boot camp class and while it definitely works that is not something I could get excited about.  Walking just isn't satisfying. 

I know I need to stop obsessing, wait out the two weeks and then reintroduce Zumba and see how I feel.  I have a tendency to panic about things before its really necessary.  Luckily work and my grad class are keeping me so busy I know the time will go by fast.

Now for the gratitude portion of the post.  My mother told me a few weeks ago I need to remind myself of what I have to be grateful for.  At the time I could hardly refrain from rolling my eyes but its best to end on a positive note.

I am grateful for a job that I love and colleagues I enjoy working with.  Even though my job is often times stressful and time consuming I love that it continually challenges me but also allows me to make connections with wonderful people.

I am grateful for a boyfriend that loves me unconditionally and also understands me almost better than I understand myself.  I know we have an incredibly unique relationship and am lucky to have such great support in my life.

I am grateful for my extremely close and loving family.  My sisters are among my best friends and even though politically I am the outcast of the family, it doesn't change the fact that my whole family is there for me through anything.

I am grateful for my best friend whom I can have a good time just sitting on her couch and talking for hours about anything and everything.  If you had told me 10 years ago that we would be this close I would have been very surprised.  I am so happy we are such great friends.

I am grateful for my friends who live out of state.  Even though we don't talk often I love that anytime we do it feels like the months just vanish.

I am grateful for my very capable car insurance company.  They made my embarrassing accident the other day a tiny inconvenience instead of the much larger one it seemed to me when it happened.

I am grateful for my apartment.  Sometimes I hate the cosmetic details but I love how big it is, the location, and my wonderful neighbors.  I truly love the town that I live in and am happy to be here.

I am grateful for my grad class.  Even though it is a lot of reading and work I love expanding my knowledge and being forced to read more scholarly books.  It is nice to be reminded of what it is like to be a student and to rediscover the joy of learning.

I am grateful for my love of the world, particularly Eastern Europe and Russia.  It is a unique interest, one that my friends and families put up with indulgently, but it is wonderful to have an interest that is completely mine.

I am grateful for the major travel experiences I've had.  Even though I want more I was extremely fortunate to have any at all considering my financial situation.

I am grateful for my love of books.  As I see others who struggle with reading it reminds me that I am lucky to have a joy and love of books.  I can thank my parents for that.

I am grateful to my body for allowing me to embark on this journey of losing weight and rediscovering what I'm physically capable of.  I know I'm often hard on myself but at the end of the day I am filled with happiness in what my body has accomplished.

I am grateful for today.  Today, while maybe not being the most beautiful day, is free and unplanned, allowing me a chance to rejuvenate and spend some time with myself, something I don't do often enough.  I love being busy and filling my life with work, family, love, exercise, etc but I also the rare day where there is nothing planned but time with myself.