Random Thoughts

So I've been forced to take some time off from working out due to troubles with the knee again.  I hate this for several reasons.  Firstly, I've already paid for this session so I am losing money by not working out.  I am a huge cheapskate.  Secondly, I find working out to be a great stress relief and this has been a very stressful week.  Thirdly, I think I have become obsessive about my weight and so trying to keep a normal attitude about what I've been eating this week has been a bit of a challenge.  Fourthly, I haven't worked out for the past four days (today is day 5) and my knee is still giving me twinges.  I think that means I may actually have to take the full 2 weeks off.

Now none of this is terribly important or life altering but it is very upsetting to me.  A year ago, I began losing weight.  It wasn't planned.  I had started exercising off and on in March of 2011 to help with the stress and I started to see a tiny bit of weight loss.  Over that summer I started to do the Zumba DVDs and saw a tiny bit more of weight loss.  Then in September I started going to real classes which were a lot more fun than the DVDs and I've been hooked ever since.  I also started making small changes to my diet which have gradually become major life changes.  By March of 2012 I had lost 40 pounds.  At this point I have lost over 60 pounds and am currently 10 pounds away from being in a "normal range" for my BMI.  I feel amazing and for the first time in years did not despise the incredibly hot summer.  It turns out that carrying an extra 60 pounds really makes you feel the summer heat. 

I've tried really hard to cultivate a normal attitude towards food.  I try not to deprive myself but also recognize that I am a stress eater.  When I get stressed out, I turn to food.  This week I started my grad class, found out I have two cavities, and then proceeded to crash my car on my way to work.  However, I stepped on the scale this morning to find that I had lost 2 pounds.  I know this should excite me and prove that I managed to do okay with my eating without exercising but instead I'm just nervous.  It's just because it's that time in my cycle I think.  Don't get content.  You have to keep working at it.  I guess I'm also upset because this is the last I've weighed in a really long time and yet I still feel fat sometimes even though I know I'm not.  I know I look so much healthier and I just wish that I would stop being so hard on myself all the time.  But I'm also worried that if I stop being hard on myself I'll revert back to those bad habits I've tried so desperately hard to change.

I made these changes to become healthier.  I didn't like how I handled stress.  I hated taking it out on the person I love more than anything in this world and that's why I decided to start exercising.  Zumba makes me feel good about myself and gives me such an incredible high.  I'm incredibly worried about my knee and am hoping that by depriving myself for these two weeks I am protecting my knee from lasting damage.  And people have suggested switching to a different type of exercise but Zumba is the one form of exercise that I've tried where I look forward to doing it.  I'm excited to go to class for this.  I've tried using the stationary bike which I find unbearably boring.  I've gone with my sister to a boot camp class and while it definitely works that is not something I could get excited about.  Walking just isn't satisfying. 

I know I need to stop obsessing, wait out the two weeks and then reintroduce Zumba and see how I feel.  I have a tendency to panic about things before its really necessary.  Luckily work and my grad class are keeping me so busy I know the time will go by fast.

Now for the gratitude portion of the post.  My mother told me a few weeks ago I need to remind myself of what I have to be grateful for.  At the time I could hardly refrain from rolling my eyes but its best to end on a positive note.

I am grateful for a job that I love and colleagues I enjoy working with.  Even though my job is often times stressful and time consuming I love that it continually challenges me but also allows me to make connections with wonderful people.

I am grateful for a boyfriend that loves me unconditionally and also understands me almost better than I understand myself.  I know we have an incredibly unique relationship and am lucky to have such great support in my life.

I am grateful for my extremely close and loving family.  My sisters are among my best friends and even though politically I am the outcast of the family, it doesn't change the fact that my whole family is there for me through anything.

I am grateful for my best friend whom I can have a good time just sitting on her couch and talking for hours about anything and everything.  If you had told me 10 years ago that we would be this close I would have been very surprised.  I am so happy we are such great friends.

I am grateful for my friends who live out of state.  Even though we don't talk often I love that anytime we do it feels like the months just vanish.

I am grateful for my very capable car insurance company.  They made my embarrassing accident the other day a tiny inconvenience instead of the much larger one it seemed to me when it happened.

I am grateful for my apartment.  Sometimes I hate the cosmetic details but I love how big it is, the location, and my wonderful neighbors.  I truly love the town that I live in and am happy to be here.

I am grateful for my grad class.  Even though it is a lot of reading and work I love expanding my knowledge and being forced to read more scholarly books.  It is nice to be reminded of what it is like to be a student and to rediscover the joy of learning.

I am grateful for my love of the world, particularly Eastern Europe and Russia.  It is a unique interest, one that my friends and families put up with indulgently, but it is wonderful to have an interest that is completely mine.

I am grateful for the major travel experiences I've had.  Even though I want more I was extremely fortunate to have any at all considering my financial situation.

I am grateful for my love of books.  As I see others who struggle with reading it reminds me that I am lucky to have a joy and love of books.  I can thank my parents for that.

I am grateful to my body for allowing me to embark on this journey of losing weight and rediscovering what I'm physically capable of.  I know I'm often hard on myself but at the end of the day I am filled with happiness in what my body has accomplished.

I am grateful for today.  Today, while maybe not being the most beautiful day, is free and unplanned, allowing me a chance to rejuvenate and spend some time with myself, something I don't do often enough.  I love being busy and filling my life with work, family, love, exercise, etc but I also the rare day where there is nothing planned but time with myself.